Shove your hope where it don't shine.

I probably should not be writing right now, as I've just had a fairly emotionally disturbing conversation with someone fairly close and may sound cynical and bitter at some point in my little ruse tonight, however, I will take that chance. A lot has been going on lately, and there's even more than ever to do this weekend. I sit here tired... I don't know if this is more physical or mental at present, although both are probably stemming from emotional instability.

I'm cutting myself off from something very dear to me. I've done it before, but I've never been able to do it for very long because how attached I am. I don't want my return to stem from loneliness or anything other than I must go back because of true love.

Life for me is too easy. I don't have to deal with all of the drama going on with so many other people because in a way I'm locked where I am to avoid disrespecting my family's wishes. The last few weeks have been a bit traumatizing in general because most of my school plans were changed completely. Now I also have no real way to study abroad. (That may be a good thing if my resolve holds.) I verge on anger every time I think about how all of the plans have been changed. It's really frustrating me... And that is odd. Maybe I'm just normally really good at channeling that elsewhere. I don't know.

The simplicity has its charm, and then there's always the parts that sting. I've been invited to who knows how many things lately that I could not go to if I wanted to. In the case of a few invites, I really would have wanted to be involved. Some of the invites would be a matter of deciding if they were too secular or not. I am not interested in drinking, and I don't judge people for doing so on occasion, but I don't know if I could be hanging out somewhere with that going on. For instance, I want to go dancing, but do I want a bunch of drunk people around me doing who knows what? Not so much... I do need to work on finding more friends that relate more to me spiritually. It's hard for me to break through the facade of a lot of 'religious' people, but I long to be close to people that have similar beliefs. I don't think I deserve that though right now. I still long for something to belong to that I can accept and take for face value. The hodge podge group of people I know are so random and different, but a lot of them are a lot more 'worldly' than I am, probably because I've never been around them in those situations where I'd feel uncomfortable. There's a lot of things I have to think about on this end. Friends show who you are. Acquaintances are another matter. However, in getting closer to the people just living for pleasure and stuff, I don't know what I'm losing or missing from these relationships between me and God.

For now, rest. Tomorrow, education will be the focus.

Ugh.