La belle dam sans merci

Twilight? If someone had mentioned this book to me before, I would have just stared at them and possibly rolled my eyes and questioned their taste. Silly hype, right?

I've finished the 4 books that are out now, gratis Christy's kindness, and Eclipse has left me pretty bewildered. The second book was my favorite, I could relate eerily, but now that I've read Eclipse, out of order to the other books, the relation has grown more vivid. Do I see myself as Bella? No. The situation surrounding her is close to home. (Yes, I have fallen in love with a vampire and have a werewolf as a best friend... Right...)

Anyway, at one point in my life, I had an Edward, and a Jacob figure, competing for my interest. When Edward was gone a few years back I felt completely shell-shocked, alone, and confused. I didn't know what was going on at all. I just knew that I needed someone around, someone that I could be closer too. Suddenly, a month after thinking how badly I needed someone I could be completely open with, that person fell from the sky and left a crater somewhere in the subcutaneous layer. My love for Edward was unflinching, but painful enough that I realized I needed some form of intervention because I had absolutely no physical contact with people in general. There was like this circle around me, and my personal space wasn't broken because I wasn't comfortable around people still. Jacob was vibrant, witty, personable, and friendly. He was goofy in a way that I couldn't begin to imagine in someone I knew in person. I was used to the solitude but loathed it, and he made things better through his presence. He supplied hugs galore, rampant excitement, and really made me trust him too quickly probably. While I was still hurting over my Edward, he tried to get me interested in him, I guess. Like Jacob, he was unpredictable, outgoing yet bashful, boyish, and very warm. At first, I thought he was crazy. He seemed so wild and reckless that I wondered where he even came from. His personality may be recreated by stuffing a meteor in a balloon full of helium. He loved me, even though I have the opportunity to doubt a lot of things now, and in my own way, I loved him back. Not as a lover, but as a best friend that I could really mix my feelings into instead of be all quiet and shy and demure like normal. I was confused, and I let him manipulate me in some ways, but I ended up doing the right thing. Unlike Bella, I have a backbone and would prefer sacrificing my own feelings or happiness to protect someone else. His relentless pressure about a relationship was not something that I wanted to deal with, as I still wholeheartedly loved Edward and did not want to be without him. Jacob began to call me callous because I emotionally checked out after our interchangeable warning matches, but the shock of his final abrupt conversation cutoff left me hurt, and in a way, forlorn. I remember complaining to my random friends coldly about how he had told me that I was a bad friend because I treated him like all of my other friends and was growing distant. He couldn't manipulate me if he was distant so it worked out quite nicely.

I, like Bella, still felt the negative impact of avoiding and probably hurting Jacob by the end of book 2-3. I could read his emotions, see the impact of our mutual agreement to avoid each other but he was still there for me and I feel so badly when I hurt other people. I did blame myself as Bella does, although she goes a little wild with those feelings. I'd like to believe my own were more reasonable. Then again, my Edward is thousands of miles away with no way to bridge the gap unless I somehow find a way or move out and so on. Maybe Bella wasn't that crazy to sacrifice herself for 5 years on a whim, or hope of something working out as I'd like. Maybe Bella was realistic enough to do something else with herself. Then again, Edward wouldn't leave her waiting unless it was for her own good. I suppose there's no reason being depressed over uncontrollables. I'd still wish him to be part of my life and I would kill for a chance to fall asleep in Edward's arms as Bella can so often. As Bella realized, there is one person that is the most important though. As I read these books, I found myself grinning over the random correlations between the books and my life.

The first book was still a sappy piece of typical teenager girl drama.... Disgruntled, I will have to leave the description at that. Books 2 and 3 had the power to make me think about how I do feel and have felt for so long, as a prisoner trying to keep it all together when nothing makes sense.

So to you, Jacob Black, I havae finally bid you an emotional farewell. Edward was always the most important person in my world. I was silly for trying to think around that due to my own momentary gratification or needs.