So... there was today

Ah... First kick-off I have been able to attend with DAXKO and I have to say that I enjoyed it royally. There was so much to do and my team may not have won but it was a mixture of all these things that I've always wanted to do but never have. My team was awesome and was comprised of a mixture of over-competitive, unruly, crazy and fun people. Anne, Patrick, Brian, Jeremy, Jamie, Susan, and Ming all performed impressively; and I even surprised myself by not getting worn out as quickly as I expected to, given the lack of exercise. Exercise is definitely on my New Years resolution list, but not as the typical resolution. I'd decided for some time that it's something I want to retain in my life; I want to be active, whether biking, swimming, whatever it takes to be fit long-term.

Today made me think about the future in a way. So much research must be done to fulfill all of the goals I've set aside for this future ahead of me. Where do I want to live, or do, are very viable questions and are constantly changing, at least moving forward and spiralling out into specifics of interest. What do I really want though? I'd like to say that I know but there are so many different avenues that could be taken and my plans would change as I pass different possible roads. I feel like I'm on 2nd avenue south and my life can be taken so many different one-ways I couldn't imagine. Each one way that is taken to meet some aim or goal generally puts me on a road such as 20th street, chock full of many more main roads and one ways and places to stop. Where do I stop? Should I speed up? Slow down? Options, options, options.

For now, things seem right. Who knows once the semester starts though. I've signed up for so many things and am extremely excited to be involved around campus, even more so than last semester. I'd like to stick it with GFBC for a while too, even though there are other churches I'd prefer to be involved with that just happen to be too far away for now. I can never get stiffness, nor can I figure out when people react certain ways to me. I guess before I know why I don't particularly fit in there, I should see why my behavior is ignored, thwarted, or misconstrued. Perhaps, it's not something I can change in me once I know. What is though? All things concerning me are void of reason at times, so much so that it becomes apparent that God in no way controls man. Man is his, or her, own being, fully concerned with himself and following his own way and logic. The same goes for me and I also note that this perception is based on my own life and said logic. I just never really know how anybody sees me. I feel as if I am some person that's never really found herself in any one place, except for those little lovely moments that come and go, generally when solitude confines me in some coffee shop or store with half a dozen complete strangers. It is then when I feel wholly at ease.

Team building just makes me realize that I have no idea if I am coming on too strong, too weak, or just seem odd. To reach these goals I must find myself and my faults so that I at least have the option of fixing them. This whole Kick-off has inspired me to seek out those faults, even while things are crazy busy, and test myself further, make myself work harder, meet the need even more. Even if my findings hurt, they must be sought if I ever am to really improve myself.